Toking with the Dealer

Tonight I was pretty bummed as we had no weed.  Well, actually, I've been pretty bummed about it since we fucking ran out!

Fortunately, the Weed-God was smiling down at me.  I happened to end up in the company of my dealer's dealer - purely by accident of course.  I've only ever met this guy once and wasn't really interested in fucking meeting him, but I knew (well, prayed) that he had a big fucking bag of weed about his person!

He sat down  and produced the goods.  I reckon his bag contained about a fucking ounce.  He built perhaps one of the finest joints I'd ever seen!  It was exactly like this fucking belter here!

He sparked the joint and took a long toke of it.... then coughed like a mutha fucker!  Eventually, after recovering a little, he claimed to have put too much weed in it!

"I'll fucking take you up on that challenge, my friend!" I thought, almost aloud!

Then I had a thought - what if this fucking guy doesn't adhere to the universal smoking rules and smokes the whole thing to himself!  Surely fucking not?!?

Then I had another thought - what if this fucking guy claims the right of weed ownership?!  It's his weed so he can smoke it all like a greedy cunt and it would still be within the rules!

He puffed on it some more and coughed some more.

"I'm not gonna fucking cough!"


When someone is preparing to pass a joint, it's almost like a telepathic stoner signal is sent because you know right away when the joint has been placed in the secure position, ready for transfer!

He passed and I picked up the stoner gauntlet.

"Don't fucking cough!!"


The smell coming from this thing was amazing!  It was a really fruity smell.  Turns out it's the most excellent TNT weed!  I mentally noted that the prick had told me earlier that he had no more left - prick!

I took a deep toke and held it to allow my lungs to absorb the THC!  I exhaled with that lovely thick smoke and could fully taste the weed!  It was awesome!  Fair play to this guy, that fucking joint had made it into my Top10 of amazing smokes!

No coughing... so far!  I took another deep hit and the high hit me!  Wow, this is fucking brilliant!  Per the rules, I had to pass the joint back to him, albeit grudgingly! He told me that on average he'll smoke about 2 fucking ounce of weed!  That's what you call a fucking stoner!  Although, it was pretty clear that he had smoked so much that his brain had turned to shit a long time ago!

Still, I hadn't coughed!  I fucking win!

We parted company and he rode of on his motorbike.

I crawled home on my hands and knees.

A fucking motorbike?! Jesus Christ!

Weed Review : Purple Haze

Purple Haze

Shogun and I had arranged a mammoth smoke-a-thon for Sunday night.  There was one problem: no weed.  Well, actually, at this stage, it wasn't a problem; it was just something we had to do.  I got onto my guy and was told he had none until tomorrow at 5pm (which was fucking Sunday)!  I was confident that he would be true to his word, but I forgot something.... dealers can't be trusted - they're fucking criminals!  We had no contingency either so we were placing a whole lotta fucking faith in this guy!

Eventually we got word - he didn't get it.  The 'no weed' issue had been upgraded to a fucking Grade#1 problem!

Fortunately, Shogun got a call and we scored Purple Haze!

Purple Haze is a sativa dominant plant with a high level of THC. It's named after the Jimi Hendrix song, which was believed to have been written about a super potent LSD.  This is a favourite amongst medicinal users for it's strong pain relief qualities.

It has a fucking really blazing high that is combined with the thick resin production of even the best indicas.  The plants are quite tall, but are shorter than most other sativas.  The buds are beautifully long and have a large density with a sticky, thick coating of trichomes.

Now that we had our weed, we settled down for the super fucking blazing session!  Ten hours and twenty fucking joints later, we were seriously baked!  It wasn't the usual high that we're used too - we tend to be limited to indica strains so this was a welcome change!  It was like my head was a balloon and the more I smoked, the more the balloon was blown up!  Funny shit!

The Stoner Signal

John Lennon once said "all you need is love".  Personally, I reckon all you need is weed - and rolling papers - and a lighter - and roach!

There's a dude in my office that has been there for probably over a year - could be longer.  I've never really bothered with him before because quite frankly I always thought he was a weird mother fucker!

I went to Amsterdam a few weeks ago and prior to that, not many people knew that I smoked weed like fuck.  It''s not that I kept it a secret, it was more that I just didn't talk about it.  However from the day I booked the Amsterdam trip, it was pretty much all I fucking talked about!  So now pretty much everyone I know is aware of the fact that I'm a stoner - a fucking intelligent, responsible stoner.  There's a difference.

The bottom line is that I don't give a fuck who knows.  Well, that's not entirely true - there are exceptions to this. Most obvious exception is my parents.  I'm fucking thirty years old, but I still don't want my folks to know about it - although, I don't think they're completely naive.  Obviously they knew I was in Amsterdam and I showed
my dad a picture of me blazing on the most excellent Volcano vaporiser.  It was a surreal conversation explaining how it worked!

Another exception is my kid.  I'm a parent and it's not cool to have that shit spill into the world of parenting - anything associated with this also falls under the exceptions - school teachers etc are a no no.

Other than that, I don't give a fuck.  I guess that statement is pretty redundant though seeing as I quite clearly give a fuck!

After returning from Amsterdam, I was talking to a group of work buddies about how fucking amazing it was.  This weird guy I mentioned earlier was also there.  I realised that my conversation was actually doing two things - the first was obviously telling the story about my trip, but the second, less obvious thing was that I was basically putting out the stoner equivalent of the bat signal!  The weird guy turns out to be a stoner.  He is elite. The thing is, there's nothing different about the guy; he's still a bit of a weird fucking cat, but being a stoner gives you a few bonus cool points!  We have a common bond though - we both fucking love weed and now we regularly exchange
stoner stories.  Also, where there is a stoner, there is a dealer - always good to know there's another possible guy to try when all else fails in the pursuit of green!


A week or so ago, I was enjoying a joint in my back garden.  I was being discrete as I didn't want to make it too obvious that I was puffin' the herb. I heard my neighbour open her back door so I stood just inside the door! After having waited for a few minutes I decided that the coast was clear! I took a big toke on my joint and stuck my
head out the door.  To my horror, she was still standing in her garden - looking at me! I was holding in a lungful of smoke as she said hello! I muttered a hello whilst my head was engulfed in the smoke I'd ust exhaled!

"I didn't know you smoked?!" she says

"Um, just now and again..."

Turns out though, she's a stoner as well!

Let's face it, everyone's a fucking stoner!

Now let's get fucking baked!

Supposed Skunk

I decided to get myself a bag of the unknown TNT weed.  Last night, I rolled myself a joint and settled down for the Family Guy double.  It was a nice, smooth smoke but to be honest, it felt weak.  I'd say probably around the ten minute mark I felt my legs tingle - then, before I knew it I felt like my head was stuck in a cloud!  It's a really good head fuck, almost trippy and lasts for fucking ages!

So today, Shogun calls the house.  It's the middle of the day, so I knew this was important...

A quarter of weed was on offer - £55.  It was unknown stuff.  I considered our previous arrangement of staying clear of unknowns.

"I'm in!"


However, his guy was delaying like a mother fucker in delivering!  We had to come up with a contingency plan and come up with it fucking fast!

I got onto my guy in the hope that he happened to have a q of the unknown TNT.  There was bad news.  There was fucking none.  Fortunately, he had loads of the supposed Skunk for fifty fucking quid! We had our contingency!

Our original guy hit us with more delays so the deal was off and in less than thirty minutes, we had a q of Skunk!

I'm high as fuck right now - The Cleveland Show is on.

Heyyyy Daddyyyyyyy

Strain : UNKNOWN

Shogun and I decided that from now on, we'd avoid buying weed that was without name!  The trouble is, where we live, we don't have the luxury of Amsterdam coffeeshops or Dispensaries.  More often than not, we've really just got to take what's available.  However, our network of 'guys' we buy from seems to have evolved so that they know exactly what sorta shit they're selling.

Recently, I started using a guy that claimed to have a most excellent strain of Skunk.  This was brilliant news, because not only did he have Skunk, but he claimed to have a never ending supply of it!  I readily bought a couple of bags and, quite frankly, it was shit.  The bags contained a pretty poxy amount and the stone was nothing to write home about.  However, the big plus for this guy is convenience - he almost delivers right to my fucking door!  

Anyway, this guy got in touch to say that he had just got a batch of weed which is ten times stronger than anything I've ever smoked.  According to him, Blue Cheese may taste a little better, but this stuff would blow my fucking mind.

Quite a big claim, I know.

"What's the name of the strain?", I ask.

"I dunno.  The guy I get it from doesn't tell anyone the name because he doesn't want anything to be traced back to his seeds.", he replies.

For me, the only plausible reason for this would be if he has managed to breed his own super-strength weed, but I highly doubt that.  

I fired off a message to Shogun to hear his thoughts on this unknown TNT weed.  He told me that he had just heard from one of his guys that S.A.G.E. (Sativa Afghani Genetic Equilibrium) was on offer.  It's always fucking typical - when you're not looking for any, there's weed coming from every direction!  

Anyway, back to this TNT!  This guy's Skunk wasn't up to par, nor was the quantity, so I didn't hold out much hope that the TNT would be the dopest dope I've ever smoked!  Fortunately, I have been able to get a fucking free sample!  I had a joint of it last night, but I had been drinking and had just smoked a cone of Blue Cheese.  I would have thought that if it was as strong as claimed, it would have put me on my back, but I didn't feel anything; sure, I felt stoned, but nothing like I was before!  The joint had been rolled for me, which couldn't have helped.  I think when sampling new weed, it's better to be smoked from your own hand. You're own joints are basically self-calibrated so you know that you're starting with a blank canvas when you spark up that beast!

So, I was more than prepared to write off the unknown TNT as a fucking wash-out! 

However....

Remember I said this guy almost home fucking delivers?!  Well, I got a little more so that I can make a better judgement!  Free samples are the shit!!