This One Time, When We Got High.....

Toking with the Dealer

Tonight I was pretty bummed as we had no weed.  Well, actually, I've been pretty bummed about it since we fucking ran out!

Fortunately, the Weed-God was smiling down at me.  I happened to end up in the company of my dealer's dealer - purely by accident of course.  I've only ever met this guy once and wasn't really interested in fucking meeting him, but I knew (well, prayed) that he had a big fucking bag of weed about his person!

He sat down  and produced the goods.  I reckon his bag contained about a fucking ounce.  He built perhaps one of the finest joints I'd ever seen!  It was exactly like this fucking belter here!

He sparked the joint and took a long toke of it.... then coughed like a mutha fucker!  Eventually, after recovering a little, he claimed to have put too much weed in it!

"I'll fucking take you up on that challenge, my friend!" I thought, almost aloud!

Then I had a thought - what if this fucking guy doesn't adhere to the universal smoking rules and smokes the whole thing to himself!  Surely fucking not?!?

Then I had another thought - what if this fucking guy claims the right of weed ownership?!  It's his weed so he can smoke it all like a greedy cunt and it would still be within the rules!

He puffed on it some more and coughed some more.

"I'm not gonna fucking cough!"


When someone is preparing to pass a joint, it's almost like a telepathic stoner signal is sent because you know right away when the joint has been placed in the secure position, ready for transfer!

He passed and I picked up the stoner gauntlet.

"Don't fucking cough!!"


The smell coming from this thing was amazing!  It was a really fruity smell.  Turns out it's the most excellent TNT weed!  I mentally noted that the prick had told me earlier that he had no more left - prick!

I took a deep toke and held it to allow my lungs to absorb the THC!  I exhaled with that lovely thick smoke and could fully taste the weed!  It was awesome!  Fair play to this guy, that fucking joint had made it into my Top10 of amazing smokes!

No coughing... so far!  I took another deep hit and the high hit me!  Wow, this is fucking brilliant!  Per the rules, I had to pass the joint back to him, albeit grudgingly! He told me that on average he'll smoke about 2 fucking ounce of weed!  That's what you call a fucking stoner!  Although, it was pretty clear that he had smoked so much that his brain had turned to shit a long time ago!

Still, I hadn't coughed!  I fucking win!

We parted company and he rode of on his motorbike.

I crawled home on my hands and knees.

A fucking motorbike?! Jesus Christ!

The Smokefest - Part 1

Last Sunday night Grimble & I made an oath to get as baked as humanly possible.

Here's what happened:

Hour 1

I arrive at Grimbles place & we get everything set up, I have my own tray, rolling paper, grinder as does Grimble & we both have our own unique style as does every stoner. For instance we both use the thinnest possible paper, this just makes sense, The less paper the better. I roll in the traditional sense (gum facing me as I roll). Where as Grimble rolls backwards. We have enough purpler haze to resurrect Jimi Hendrix.

*Grimble rolls joint #01
It's a reasonably nice night so Grimble rolled a fatty & we smoke it outside. This is the first of the day & is greedily finished & we head inside to roll the second
*Shogun rolls joint #02
I roll the second & we head outside, as we were puffing Grimbles neighbour is out having a sneaky joint of his own. We shoot the shit with him for a while then go back inside.

There's a commotion of kids outside & the van is in Grimbles street. He suggests this could be a good moment to stock up on supplies. We head out & have to wait in a queue surrounded by kids. We've only had 2 joints so far & i can feel myself slowing down a bit. Grimble suggests buying red bull to give us a mental boost later. So I bought a couple of cans of red  bull & a SLUSH!! If anyone doesn't know what a slush is:






Feast your eye's on these. I knew these would be nirvana to a dried mouthed stoner in the early hours. So I bought one & stuck it in the freezer for later.



Hour 2

*Grimble rolls joint #03

We puff the third in the back garden & the neighbour from the other side is out "admiring her garden" Grimble does his neighbourly duty & chats away as I sneakily puff the joint at the other side. As this old dear is waffling on about her beautiful garden I'm puffing away when I should be passing the joint. I cough into my fist saying *"it's a shit garden" cough* not to be rude to the neighbour, I was just trying to make Grimble laugh as he's trying to be nice & respectful. It didn't work though, I probably just looked like a dick fake coughing.Grimble finally comes back & gets the last toke of his joint. Unlucky mate, you're too slow. We go back inside.
*Shogun rolls joint #04
Outside, smoke it, discuss the preferences of stoners on their perfect smoking spot, back inside to roll more.
*Grimble rollsjoint #05
We smoke it peace with no intrusion from any neighbours & we discuss the criminality of smoking weed. I don't want to get into it but I will say this: No-one has ever died from marijuana. 472996 people have died from alcohol causes this year so far!! This will no doubt go up before I post this. Around 5.4 million deaths a year are caused by tobacco yet these are legal! So why is weed banned which is something that doesn't cause deaths but these other drugs are widely available? Fuck 'em.

Hour 3

*Shogun rolls joint #06
We discuss a copper we know who used to smoke weed & sold hash before joining the cops. Fuck that! Imagine if you came across someone you used to smoke with? Or worse some fucker you sold hash to & they try to use that fact against you? Come to think of it I have a photo of him holding a joint at a poker night we were both at. I wonder what that's worth? Maybe hold onto it & if he becomes chief of police it could be very profitable. I'm kidding I would never mess with the cops. It would hurt their feelings.
*Grimmble rolls joint #07
Munchies kick in. We order a pizza. Smoke 7th stick inside the comfort of Grimbles living room. We're feeling suitably relaxed & decide to stick on Eastbound & Down season 2. The pizza arrives. I'm fuckin starving by this point & wolf down most of the pizza.

Hour 4

*Shogun rolls joint #07
Eastbound & Down is on & we're both pretty baked! We're kinda zoned out & only pay attention to the TV. After the 2nd episode is finished we both come alive again & puff the 7th stick. I come up with a stoner question:
SHOGUN: If you could watch a movie which was an origin story of any of your favourite movie characters whose would it be?

GRIMBLE: What?

SHOGUN: If you could watch a movie which was an origin story of any of your favourite movie characters whose would it be?

GRIMBLE: What? A spin off?

SHOGUN: Not necessarily. It would be a story of their life up to the point where you see them in whatever film they're from.

GRIMBLE: Oh, right. Ummmm.......

A minute or so passes in silence as Grimble clumsily puts together a joint & ponders the question

GRIMBLE: I dunno.

SHOGUN: You must be able to think of one?

GRIMBLE: Ummmm....

More minutes pass as Grimbles weed addled brain gets to grips with the enormity of the question.

GRIMBLE: I know. Martin from Knocked Up, that was a funny fucking guy!

SHOGUN: Ha ha! Good one! I'd have Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction or Floyd from True Romance. 

GRIMBLE: OH FUCK!!

That OH FUCK was regarding the crumpled mess in Grimbles hands that was supposed to be our 8th joint. "I've fucking rolled this inside out!" He had rolled the joint wrong & he had the uphill struggle of getting  fresh paper and doing it again. I was pissing myself laughing at this & thought it was hilarious!

Part 2 coming soon......

Keep Blazin.

The Stoner Assassin

Ha ha ha - they didn't know if it was weapons of mass destruction!! It was fucking weed you dumb fucking dick!

Eastbound & Down - Season 1

A few weeks ago Grimble & I sat down with a couple of bags of Northern Lights & I introduced him to the legend that is Kenny FUCKING Powers!

We watched the first season of Eastbound & Down. 6 Episodes back to back & he wasn't disappointed!

This is a great stoner show. Plenty of laughs & cool chraracters. The excellent Danny Mcbride as KP, Steve Little as the untouchable sidekick Stevie Janowski & Katy Mixon as the amazing April Buchanon. Ben Best plays the local bar tender & drug dealer Clegg. There'a few cool cameos by Will Ferrell & Craig Robinson.

The show is hilarious & the next smoke fest we'll be screening season 2. The only question is what type of weed we'll be enjoying.

Keep Blazin'

Weed Review : Purple Haze

Purple Haze

Shogun and I had arranged a mammoth smoke-a-thon for Sunday night.  There was one problem: no weed.  Well, actually, at this stage, it wasn't a problem; it was just something we had to do.  I got onto my guy and was told he had none until tomorrow at 5pm (which was fucking Sunday)!  I was confident that he would be true to his word, but I forgot something.... dealers can't be trusted - they're fucking criminals!  We had no contingency either so we were placing a whole lotta fucking faith in this guy!

Eventually we got word - he didn't get it.  The 'no weed' issue had been upgraded to a fucking Grade#1 problem!

Fortunately, Shogun got a call and we scored Purple Haze!

Purple Haze is a sativa dominant plant with a high level of THC. It's named after the Jimi Hendrix song, which was believed to have been written about a super potent LSD.  This is a favourite amongst medicinal users for it's strong pain relief qualities.

It has a fucking really blazing high that is combined with the thick resin production of even the best indicas.  The plants are quite tall, but are shorter than most other sativas.  The buds are beautifully long and have a large density with a sticky, thick coating of trichomes.

Now that we had our weed, we settled down for the super fucking blazing session!  Ten hours and twenty fucking joints later, we were seriously baked!  It wasn't the usual high that we're used too - we tend to be limited to indica strains so this was a welcome change!  It was like my head was a balloon and the more I smoked, the more the balloon was blown up!  Funny shit!

The Stoner Signal

John Lennon once said "all you need is love".  Personally, I reckon all you need is weed - and rolling papers - and a lighter - and roach!

There's a dude in my office that has been there for probably over a year - could be longer.  I've never really bothered with him before because quite frankly I always thought he was a weird mother fucker!

I went to Amsterdam a few weeks ago and prior to that, not many people knew that I smoked weed like fuck.  It''s not that I kept it a secret, it was more that I just didn't talk about it.  However from the day I booked the Amsterdam trip, it was pretty much all I fucking talked about!  So now pretty much everyone I know is aware of the fact that I'm a stoner - a fucking intelligent, responsible stoner.  There's a difference.

The bottom line is that I don't give a fuck who knows.  Well, that's not entirely true - there are exceptions to this. Most obvious exception is my parents.  I'm fucking thirty years old, but I still don't want my folks to know about it - although, I don't think they're completely naive.  Obviously they knew I was in Amsterdam and I showed
my dad a picture of me blazing on the most excellent Volcano vaporiser.  It was a surreal conversation explaining how it worked!

Another exception is my kid.  I'm a parent and it's not cool to have that shit spill into the world of parenting - anything associated with this also falls under the exceptions - school teachers etc are a no no.

Other than that, I don't give a fuck.  I guess that statement is pretty redundant though seeing as I quite clearly give a fuck!

After returning from Amsterdam, I was talking to a group of work buddies about how fucking amazing it was.  This weird guy I mentioned earlier was also there.  I realised that my conversation was actually doing two things - the first was obviously telling the story about my trip, but the second, less obvious thing was that I was basically putting out the stoner equivalent of the bat signal!  The weird guy turns out to be a stoner.  He is elite. The thing is, there's nothing different about the guy; he's still a bit of a weird fucking cat, but being a stoner gives you a few bonus cool points!  We have a common bond though - we both fucking love weed and now we regularly exchange
stoner stories.  Also, where there is a stoner, there is a dealer - always good to know there's another possible guy to try when all else fails in the pursuit of green!


A week or so ago, I was enjoying a joint in my back garden.  I was being discrete as I didn't want to make it too obvious that I was puffin' the herb. I heard my neighbour open her back door so I stood just inside the door! After having waited for a few minutes I decided that the coast was clear! I took a big toke on my joint and stuck my
head out the door.  To my horror, she was still standing in her garden - looking at me! I was holding in a lungful of smoke as she said hello! I muttered a hello whilst my head was engulfed in the smoke I'd ust exhaled!

"I didn't know you smoked?!" she says

"Um, just now and again..."

Turns out though, she's a stoner as well!

Let's face it, everyone's a fucking stoner!

Now let's get fucking baked!

In absence of a lighter.... #1

use the fucking toaster!

Works a treat, but makes your morning toast taste a little funky!

The Humble Toaster - not just for toasting!

The best weed tattoo I've seen...

You'd think combining two of my favourite things would be a guaranteed pleaser but I've never really liked weed tattoos. Some of them seem to revel in the illegality. I would obviously like to see marijuana legalised, but more than that I'd like to see the stigma of smoking weed gone. How good would it be when you can spark a joint without a fear of recriminations? I realise a funny (trying to be) weed blog isn't the place for politics so back to the headline: The best weed tattoo I've seen...




Under the magnifying glass you can see the molecular structure of THC. This is cool! This stoner obviously has some brains.



P.s. Feel free to leave comments.



Keep Blazin'

Willie Nelson to sing in court?

Willie Nelson got arrested at a border control in November for possession of marijuana on his tour bus.


The great man said  "I had forgotten that there was this little bag of weed on the bus that had been in the back there for weeks when I had been gone," "Naturally when they stopped us there the dogs came on and the first thing they went to was that little bag of pot." 


Hudspeth County prosecutor Kit Bramblett said they would waive Nelsons drug charge if he "pay a small fine and ... sing Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain with his guitar right there in the courtroom" Ha! Cheeky bastard!


The next day judge Beck Dean-Walker said Bramblett was trying to be funny "and it got out of hand". Fuckin lawyers eh? Who'd've thunk they'd have a sense of humour?


He faced up to 180 days in jail. Fuckin hell? For a little bag of weed? Fortunately he only has to pay $378, I think it's safe to assume he's got that covered.


Here's my favourite Willie Nelson song:

He is one of the coolest dudes ever!


Keep blazin' Willie!

I Smoke Every Weed

Quite simply a great stoner moment...

Zach Galifianakis is on Bill Maher & the prop 19 debate comes up for discussion:

What a guy! He has a great look of defiant pride on his face as the rest of the panel are stunned. None of them seem pissed off in the least.

Keep Blazin'

Strain : UNKNOWN

Shogun and I decided that from now on, we'd avoid buying weed that was without name!  The trouble is, where we live, we don't have the luxury of Amsterdam coffeeshops or Dispensaries.  More often than not, we've really just got to take what's available.  However, our network of 'guys' we buy from seems to have evolved so that they know exactly what sorta shit they're selling.

Recently, I started using a guy that claimed to have a most excellent strain of Skunk.  This was brilliant news, because not only did he have Skunk, but he claimed to have a never ending supply of it!  I readily bought a couple of bags and, quite frankly, it was shit.  The bags contained a pretty poxy amount and the stone was nothing to write home about.  However, the big plus for this guy is convenience - he almost delivers right to my fucking door!  

Anyway, this guy got in touch to say that he had just got a batch of weed which is ten times stronger than anything I've ever smoked.  According to him, Blue Cheese may taste a little better, but this stuff would blow my fucking mind.

Quite a big claim, I know.

"What's the name of the strain?", I ask.

"I dunno.  The guy I get it from doesn't tell anyone the name because he doesn't want anything to be traced back to his seeds.", he replies.

For me, the only plausible reason for this would be if he has managed to breed his own super-strength weed, but I highly doubt that.  

I fired off a message to Shogun to hear his thoughts on this unknown TNT weed.  He told me that he had just heard from one of his guys that S.A.G.E. (Sativa Afghani Genetic Equilibrium) was on offer.  It's always fucking typical - when you're not looking for any, there's weed coming from every direction!  

Anyway, back to this TNT!  This guy's Skunk wasn't up to par, nor was the quantity, so I didn't hold out much hope that the TNT would be the dopest dope I've ever smoked!  Fortunately, I have been able to get a fucking free sample!  I had a joint of it last night, but I had been drinking and had just smoked a cone of Blue Cheese.  I would have thought that if it was as strong as claimed, it would have put me on my back, but I didn't feel anything; sure, I felt stoned, but nothing like I was before!  The joint had been rolled for me, which couldn't have helped.  I think when sampling new weed, it's better to be smoked from your own hand. You're own joints are basically self-calibrated so you know that you're starting with a blank canvas when you spark up that beast!

So, I was more than prepared to write off the unknown TNT as a fucking wash-out! 

However....

Remember I said this guy almost home fucking delivers?!  Well, I got a little more so that I can make a better judgement!  Free samples are the shit!!

Weed is my religion

I'm not religious in any way shape or form, but if I was a christian I'd be committed to this:



Surely this is a loophole waiting to be exploited. Churches would be packed!

I think this might also have been in a Cypress Hill Song - Hits from the bong? I wanna get high?

Keep blazin'.

Smoking Routine

Here's my smoking routine:


Score weed (obviously)
This isn't as easy as you might think, in our part of the world it's more common to get a half oz of resin  than a nice bag of stinky green. So we have to source our supplier with care. I like to think of myself as a weed connoisseur and like to know what I'm buying. My favourite strains at the moment are White Widow (who doesn't love to smoke this?) & Northern lights (smokes like a fucking dream). Grimble has just acquired a nice batch of blue cheese. Which he had to go above & beyond the call of duty to get. Well played my stoner friend.



Location
I know a few stoners who have a "man cave" specifically for blazing & generally bumming around . These suit stoners to a tee. We can blaze in peace and should have enough in them to occupy our frazzled minds. I find big TVs & funny movies are a must.





Smoking buddies
70 % of the time I'll be puffing on my own. Occasionally I'll have my friends round (stoners & non stoners). The non-stoners have no option but to sit in a smoke filled room, which to be fair they don't seem to mind. The requirements for being a smoking buddy are not high but there are a lot of people who seem to break etiquette. I won't go into it here because Grimble has already posted blazing etiquette. Although, here's one: I had a stoner friend who found out that there was another stoner at his place of work. The topic came up & they were chatting away about various weed topics and this guy portrayed himself as hardcore. He then went on to ask my friend how much he could smoke in an evening (now this question to me screams amateur). My friend told him what we smoked when we got together and this fucking guy freaks out saying that we were bullshitting! What? He's just broke two major rules right there!
 My friend tells me this story & I say "well there's only one way to prove it. Let's have a smoke-off!" My friend relayed this info (challenge) back to his workmate and he couldn't make it round that weekend. That was fine, my friend told him it was an open invitation & he was welcome anytime. The only stipulation was to bring weed and that's just good manners. Needless to say he never came round. Ever!

Activities/Topics
This might be as simple as sitting baked playing Call of Duty, watching The Office (which is great) or creating a work of art while painting. Weed inspires! This is what has made Grimble & I start this blog. I like to write comedy too. You need something to occupy your mind while high. I like funny movies anything that gives you the giggles is a good combination with weed. Documentaries can be good too while high, you can really tune in on what it's about. I always make sure anything that needs done is done before I start smoking. There's nothing worse than being totally baked & realising you need to do something mundane like iron your work clothes or something else that'll take the edge off your high. You can have great debates with friends while high, the good thing about this is you almost always agree.

Munchies
There comes a time of the night where you get that familiar rumbling empty stomach feeling. Time for some grub! You can't really go wrong here but I think the key is the less preparation required the better, so it's a good idea to be stocked up beforehand. When Grimble & I have a major sesh we usually call for a takeaway around the 2/3 hour mark. This involves phoning for a kebab which if I'm being honest we probably wouldn't eat if we weren't high. Each to their own on this one. I wouldn't recommend anything too dry or it'll just feel like you're eating cardboard.

So that's it. My smoking routine. All you need is weed, a place to smoke it with or without friends & something to keep you occupied & a good feed.


Keep blazin'

Weed Review: Blue Cheese

Blue Cheese

This week, we've got ourself a bit of Blue Cheese!

It's an Indica dominant plant which was created by breeding a set of Blueberry males with Big Buddha Cheese.  The resulting seeds were grown out and a male was chosen from around 40 different Blueberry x Cheese contestants - becoming the fucking father of the super potent strain.  The selected Blueberry Cheese male was then crossed once again with a Big Buddha Cheese female which makes this a mostly cheese plant with just a hint of blueberry!

It's nice and dry to the touch and it really smells like a mother fucker!  A hit of this is fruity and burns really smoothly so I was ending up taking massive blasts of the fucker.  The stone makes you foggy in the head, yet active - hence the written review - usually I'm too fucking baked and I just sit and watch TV - Anchorman was on earlier so I sat and watched that whilst toking on a joint of this most excellent strain!

Blazing Etiquette

Everyone has 'house rules' when it comes to smoking.  These rules are never spoken of, or explained, but they must always be adhered to!  It shouldn't need to be explained to Stoners - it's like they are genetically hardwired!

These are our rules....


The joint is passed around clock-wise
This is simple.  There's no real explanation needed here - I suppose some people prefer to pass anti-clockwise, but that's just fucking weird!


Don't bullshit that you are an elite smoker
You'll be found out really fucking fast!  I've met numerous people who love to boast about how they can blaze like fuck, but it's obvious they are bullshitting.  If you aren't elite then just fucking admit it - there's nothing wrong with it!


Don't question an elite smoker's ability
This is just bad manners.  At the end of the day, we have nothing to prove and let's face it - the pussies that are questioning it aren't fucking elite.


The roller of the joint sparks the joint
Also known as roller's rights.  The roller can also offer this right to another.  This is always considered a very generous offer and it should never, ever, be taken for granted.


The roller of the joint douses the joint
Obviously, this is impossible if there are more than say two people in your smoking circle.  However, in a standard pair, the joint is passed back to the roller.  It can be refused by the roller though, but that's pretty fucking unlikely.


Every participating smoker must take their turn to roll
One exception to this rule is if someone has declared themselves to be a novice smoker and is unable to roll a joint. This does not earn you any cool points - unless you happen to be the one with the massive bag of weed!   Let's be honest about this though - everyone who can roll a joint, will do so.  After all, who doesn't love sparking the beast?!


Don't fucking hog the joint
Some people employ the 'puff-puff-pass' rule.  This rule's too fucking strict, I mean, how can anyone really enjoy toking on a joint when everyone in the fucking room is counting how many tokes you're taking (and let's face it - everyone is counting, because they can't wait to get the pass!).  As a general rule of thumb, pass the joint at the point where you would be happy, but not surprised, to be passed the joint yourself by someone else.  I would probably say that the only time that it would be almost acceptable to hog the joint is when the next (and last) person to be passed it is a novice and/or a non-roller.  These guys have no right to complain about hogging because they've contributed fuck all!


Don't refuse a pass
Unless you have declared yourself as a novice smoker, then you shouldn't be refusing a pass.  This is where the pretend-elite get ousted as the pussies that they are!  I once smoked with a guy who claimed he was elite only to refuse a pass in favour of smoking a fucking cigarette.  This is a fucking insult man, this was my weed we were smoking, in my home.  It was almost like him taking a dump in my toilet and leaving it for me to find!



Newcomers do not interrupt the flow
If someone joins the group, the flow does not change.  The person who's next in line for the joint knows that he's next and the current toker doesn't have any right to offer the newcomer the next pass.  However, if the next guy is feeling generous, he can offer the new guy the pass but only if he has not taken a toke of it.  The second he tokes on the joint, he looses the right of 'newcomer hospitality'.


Building and rolling
Generally, each elite would take a turn at rolling a joint.  In the same way that it's passed; in a clockwise direction.  This is assuming that each person has contributed to the weed supply.  If you haven't contributed then you must ask for permission to roll - after all, it's not your fucking weed to just roll a fat one and spark it!  A non-contributer would not usually be in the group for the duration of the stoner session - more than likely they're just passing through.

In the beginning..

...weed created stoners.

2 stoners decided to put their sessions to good use & see if the shit the spoke about was as funny as they thought while high.

This is a blog for stoners by stoners.

Ladies & Gentlemen please welcome Shogun & Grimble!!